At last a guy has taken the time to write the relationship rules from the man's point of view. These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered "1" on purpose.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports- its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what your want. Let us be clear on this one; Subtle hints do not work! Strong Hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are, don't ask us. Fact is we probably are too, and you don't see us asking you.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the OTHER one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing", we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY!
1. Don't tell me to get in shape. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I will have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out.
Random Observations on Life
Monday, December 15, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Toys that Didn't Live up to their Billing (Toys that Sucked)
You may remember me talking earlier about my brother Pinata. You may recollect that I call him Pinata because sometimes I just want to hit him with a stick. Well, today he went to the doctor for a physical. When the doctor asked him if there was anything she could do for him, he asked, "Have you got anything I can take for acute hypochondrism?" Now you know why I call him Pinata.
I heard a topic on a radio station lately that got me thinking about growing up in the 60's and 70's and the toys I wanted and usually didn't get.
I thought it would be a fun topic for a blog: Toys that didn't live up to the way they were portrayed on the commercials or on the front of the box.
Here are a few I came up with, but I would like for you to add some in the comments:
Slinky-Did anyone you know ever get a slinky to go more than one step. On the commercial they showed it going all the way down, but when you tried it at home, it just went plunk! And if you had carpet, forget it! If it ever got tangled up, it was worse than a Rubik's cube. The sad thing is, we all bought them for our kids too (didn't you?)
Boomerang-Oh yeah, they looked cool. You could just throw it and it would come back to you, just like in Australia. More realistic, you would throw it and it would slice off into the neighbors yard and land on their roof. Or it would hit the ground at mach speed, ricocheting off the pavement and hitting Timmy in the back of the head. (where was brother Pinata when I needed him?)
Electric Football-I put this on reluctantly because I spent hours playing this game even though it didn't do what it was supposed to. I would take the little cotton football (when I ran out of footballs, I used the ends of Qtips or belly button lint) and watch the player vibrate up and down and sideways on the field, with no order at all. I wished even at ten that the game would've came with cheerleaders to watch.
Now it's your turn. What game do you remember being a flop?
I heard a topic on a radio station lately that got me thinking about growing up in the 60's and 70's and the toys I wanted and usually didn't get.
I thought it would be a fun topic for a blog: Toys that didn't live up to the way they were portrayed on the commercials or on the front of the box.
Here are a few I came up with, but I would like for you to add some in the comments:
Slinky-Did anyone you know ever get a slinky to go more than one step. On the commercial they showed it going all the way down, but when you tried it at home, it just went plunk! And if you had carpet, forget it! If it ever got tangled up, it was worse than a Rubik's cube. The sad thing is, we all bought them for our kids too (didn't you?)
Boomerang-Oh yeah, they looked cool. You could just throw it and it would come back to you, just like in Australia. More realistic, you would throw it and it would slice off into the neighbors yard and land on their roof. Or it would hit the ground at mach speed, ricocheting off the pavement and hitting Timmy in the back of the head. (where was brother Pinata when I needed him?)
Electric Football-I put this on reluctantly because I spent hours playing this game even though it didn't do what it was supposed to. I would take the little cotton football (when I ran out of footballs, I used the ends of Qtips or belly button lint) and watch the player vibrate up and down and sideways on the field, with no order at all. I wished even at ten that the game would've came with cheerleaders to watch.
Now it's your turn. What game do you remember being a flop?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Professor Bluesdad's Perfect Method for Buying a Car
This post is going to be completely out of character for me. It has nothing to do with my observations on life, or how much people can irritate me (or I them) but it is a chance to sit at the feet of Bluesdad and learn :-) Class, this is a fool proof way of getting the best deal on buying a car. I developed it about ten years ago and have successfully bought (or helped buy) at least 6 autos using this method, always getting thousands off the advertised price.
If you're one of those people who love to have your sales person go back and forth with your offer to 'their manager" in the other room, then this is not for you. On the other hand, if you feel like you want to be in control of the situation, you should give this method a try. This system works whether you are buying used or new from a dealer. Here are the basic steps:
1. Visit dealers with the purpose of finding at least 2 or 3 cars that you would be happy to have from different dealerships. You CANNOT get so emotionally attached to any of the cars that you can't walk away from it. The cars don't need to be the same make or model. While visiting the lot, let the sales person lead you around and give you their card. You need a contact person for later.
2. Tell them that you plan on buying a car today, but will need to look at all three cars and get prices before you decide. They will not want to let you leave, but be strong. Let them know how this plan works. Feel free to fully disclose my method to them. They will not like it, but tell them this is the method you use to buy cars.
3. After you have chosen 2 or 3 cars you would be happy with and have a contact person at each lot, call the salesperson back or even go back to the lot. Follow this script when talking to them:
"I buy cars differently than most people. I don't do any of the back and forth games. I have looked at three cars today. Each of them I would be happy to have."
"You have ONE CHANCE to give me your best price. I don't want to talk about incentives or rebates, I just want a number on a piece of paper." (it is best if you don't have a trade in, that muddies the water a little and they will let you think they're giving you a good deal on your trade-in when their really jacking up the price on the car you're buying) "After hearing all the prices, I will either accept or reject your price, but there will be NO more negotiations.
"If I reject your offer, I would not expect you to go check again because you already told me it was your best. Accordingly, I will not try to negotiate your stated price. If I accept your offer, I will purchase the car today."
4. At this point, the salesmen will try to say things like, we don't do it that way. At which time you should say, "well, that's how I buy cars, so if you want my business, that's the way you'll do it". And if they refuse to do it this way, leave. You don't have to pay more just to do business with them.
5. You must keep your end of the agreement, by not trying to negotiate further.
6. When all the dealers give you their rock bottom price, you can choose which car and price you like best and purchase the car.
Just in the last three years, I have used this method on two cars in my family. One was new and I walked out with an SUV for 25% under the listed price. The other was a slightly used compact car that we bought for so far under the original asking price (and even what I was willing to pay) , that even I couldn't believe it.
The basic theory behind the method is as long as the dealership has you make offers, they are in control, but if you can get them to make the offer, you have the control.
Try it if you dare. After you've done it once, you'll find it's really quite invigorating.
Now, I realize the chances of your buying a car right now are slim, so send this blog to everyone you know, I want to turn the auto buying experience upside down!
Now class, do you have any questions? Bueller? Bueller?
If you're one of those people who love to have your sales person go back and forth with your offer to 'their manager" in the other room, then this is not for you. On the other hand, if you feel like you want to be in control of the situation, you should give this method a try. This system works whether you are buying used or new from a dealer. Here are the basic steps:
1. Visit dealers with the purpose of finding at least 2 or 3 cars that you would be happy to have from different dealerships. You CANNOT get so emotionally attached to any of the cars that you can't walk away from it. The cars don't need to be the same make or model. While visiting the lot, let the sales person lead you around and give you their card. You need a contact person for later.
2. Tell them that you plan on buying a car today, but will need to look at all three cars and get prices before you decide. They will not want to let you leave, but be strong. Let them know how this plan works. Feel free to fully disclose my method to them. They will not like it, but tell them this is the method you use to buy cars.
3. After you have chosen 2 or 3 cars you would be happy with and have a contact person at each lot, call the salesperson back or even go back to the lot. Follow this script when talking to them:
"I buy cars differently than most people. I don't do any of the back and forth games. I have looked at three cars today. Each of them I would be happy to have."
"You have ONE CHANCE to give me your best price. I don't want to talk about incentives or rebates, I just want a number on a piece of paper." (it is best if you don't have a trade in, that muddies the water a little and they will let you think they're giving you a good deal on your trade-in when their really jacking up the price on the car you're buying) "After hearing all the prices, I will either accept or reject your price, but there will be NO more negotiations.
"If I reject your offer, I would not expect you to go check again because you already told me it was your best. Accordingly, I will not try to negotiate your stated price. If I accept your offer, I will purchase the car today."
4. At this point, the salesmen will try to say things like, we don't do it that way. At which time you should say, "well, that's how I buy cars, so if you want my business, that's the way you'll do it". And if they refuse to do it this way, leave. You don't have to pay more just to do business with them.
5. You must keep your end of the agreement, by not trying to negotiate further.
6. When all the dealers give you their rock bottom price, you can choose which car and price you like best and purchase the car.
Just in the last three years, I have used this method on two cars in my family. One was new and I walked out with an SUV for 25% under the listed price. The other was a slightly used compact car that we bought for so far under the original asking price (and even what I was willing to pay) , that even I couldn't believe it.
The basic theory behind the method is as long as the dealership has you make offers, they are in control, but if you can get them to make the offer, you have the control.
Try it if you dare. After you've done it once, you'll find it's really quite invigorating.
Now, I realize the chances of your buying a car right now are slim, so send this blog to everyone you know, I want to turn the auto buying experience upside down!
Now class, do you have any questions? Bueller? Bueller?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Lessons Learned in Church Basketball
You wouldn't know it now, but as a teenager, I liked playing basketball a lot. My friends used to joke that I had tried out for basketball in high school, but they already had one.
My friends were the driving force of my love for basketball. My four best friends were well over 6 feet tall and any of them could've played school ball (and a couple of them did). We all played on a church league team together.I wasn't any good, but I loved to play.
Since I was a year older than three of my friends, when I graduated high school and was no longer eligible to play in the league, I coached the team instead. Our team was very good. It consisted of the three friends who were outstanding players, three or four average players and....Duane.
Because it was church ball, we invited and encouraged all that wanted to play to join us. Duane was a skinny kid with unkempt hair and no coordination. He had some mental problems which resulted in him being an outcast in most social situations, so we all tried to include him and let him be part of our group. He had an ear to ear smile when he was with 'the guys'. As a coach, I had made a deal with Duane that he could play a guaranteed two minutes each half. That was plenty for him and it didn't get in the way of our 'serious play'.
That year, our team was especially successful. We made it through the state tournament with little challenge from the other teams. When we got to the regional tournament, we met our equals and each game was more difficult than the last. It wasn't easy, but we made it to the championship game against a team from Memphis. As we neared the end of the fourth quarter, the game was switching leads with every basket. With just a couple of minutes left in regulation, I felt a tug on my sleeve. I turned to see it was Duane. "Randy," he said sheepishly, "I haven't got to play my two minutes this half." My mind reeled with the possible results of letting him play. The other team would surely take advantage of him. It wouldn't be fair to subject him to that treatment, would it? But honestly my resistance was the chance it could jeopardize the game.
"I'm sorry Duane," I replied while keeping my eye on the game in progress, "The game is too close, we could win the championship!"
"I understand, Randy. It's ok" is all he said.
It's been thirty years since that game. Believe it or not, I don't remember if we won the game. I don't remember where we ate after the game, I don't remember the car I was driving. All those unimportant memories have faded, but I do remember one thing: I didn't let Duane play.
I didn't see Duane much after that year. The team and the game had been his chance to be part of something big, and I had let him down.
It's always a challenge in life to know what's really important and what's seemingly important; what's important in the moment and what's important in the long run.
If we could teach our kids (and ourselves) anything, it would be to make decisions that will make the long term difference and not focus on the immediate reward.
My friends were the driving force of my love for basketball. My four best friends were well over 6 feet tall and any of them could've played school ball (and a couple of them did). We all played on a church league team together.I wasn't any good, but I loved to play.
Since I was a year older than three of my friends, when I graduated high school and was no longer eligible to play in the league, I coached the team instead. Our team was very good. It consisted of the three friends who were outstanding players, three or four average players and....Duane.
Because it was church ball, we invited and encouraged all that wanted to play to join us. Duane was a skinny kid with unkempt hair and no coordination. He had some mental problems which resulted in him being an outcast in most social situations, so we all tried to include him and let him be part of our group. He had an ear to ear smile when he was with 'the guys'. As a coach, I had made a deal with Duane that he could play a guaranteed two minutes each half. That was plenty for him and it didn't get in the way of our 'serious play'.
That year, our team was especially successful. We made it through the state tournament with little challenge from the other teams. When we got to the regional tournament, we met our equals and each game was more difficult than the last. It wasn't easy, but we made it to the championship game against a team from Memphis. As we neared the end of the fourth quarter, the game was switching leads with every basket. With just a couple of minutes left in regulation, I felt a tug on my sleeve. I turned to see it was Duane. "Randy," he said sheepishly, "I haven't got to play my two minutes this half." My mind reeled with the possible results of letting him play. The other team would surely take advantage of him. It wouldn't be fair to subject him to that treatment, would it? But honestly my resistance was the chance it could jeopardize the game.
"I'm sorry Duane," I replied while keeping my eye on the game in progress, "The game is too close, we could win the championship!"
"I understand, Randy. It's ok" is all he said.
It's been thirty years since that game. Believe it or not, I don't remember if we won the game. I don't remember where we ate after the game, I don't remember the car I was driving. All those unimportant memories have faded, but I do remember one thing: I didn't let Duane play.
I didn't see Duane much after that year. The team and the game had been his chance to be part of something big, and I had let him down.
It's always a challenge in life to know what's really important and what's seemingly important; what's important in the moment and what's important in the long run.
If we could teach our kids (and ourselves) anything, it would be to make decisions that will make the long term difference and not focus on the immediate reward.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Thoughts on the Election
Every four years about this time, I get REALLY excited for the presidential election....to be over. It will take a couple weeks of Monday morning quarterbacking about the election, then we can get back to normal.
As we get closer to the elections, I get tired of people being encouraged (chastised) to get out and vote. Is this what we really need, a bunch of people who don't know anything about the issues voting? Do we really want Marvin Mullethead voting for McCain because he thinks Obama's name is Obama Bin Laden or 19 year old Miss Pris voting for Obama because he's "Oh so cute!". Yes, it is our opportunity and privilege to live in a country that we are able to vote. Soldiers have died to preserve our right to vote, but didn't they also die for us to have the right NOT to vote. There have been countries where citizens are required to vote (of course, there is only one name on the ballot). So, in a way, some people are using the rights when they don't vote.
Now, lets look at the candidates:
John McCain touts himself as a maverick. Those of you who were of lucid age during the 70's will remember that a Maverick was a car made by Ford. It was the big brother of the Pinto. Need I say more?
Besides, isn't a Maverick someone who does not go along with the status quo but bucks the trends. Hasn't he been in congress like a thousand years without bucking the trends? Why start now?
I wonder about his choosing Sarah Palin (affectionately known as Caribou Barbie) as his running mate. Don't get me wrong, I was excited when he chose her and I've watched SNL for the first time in a decade. I think it would be really fun if she were president, but not being a pip to Gladys McCain.
Barack Obama-I worry about a guy who goes to a church for 20 years where the pastor spews hatred against America. Wouldn't he have been better off staying home on Sunday and watching NASCAR? At least he could've gotten Marvin Mullethead's vote! I hear on the news that Obama is widely popular amongst Junior and High School students. Well that should be reason enough to vote him in! They certainly have well developed political acumen, don't they? And his running mate Joe Biden. Well who really cares about the VP (unless it's Palin. At least she's cute). If you couldn't tell, I have become a bit cynical over time and I'm not sure who we elect to the highest office really matters a lot.
I would guess the majority of you have never heard of Weevils, they are a type of beetle. Well, I had one of my unusual dreams the other night where two Weevils were taunting me. "Vote for me", the larger one said. "No, vote for me", the smaller one replied. This went on for quite a while. Finally, I decided to make a decision and finally voted for the smaller one. I chose The lesser of two weevils (rim shot).
But I have to make a decision, so in case you're wondering, I'm going to vote for....
Jorack Mcbamacain!
As we get closer to the elections, I get tired of people being encouraged (chastised) to get out and vote. Is this what we really need, a bunch of people who don't know anything about the issues voting? Do we really want Marvin Mullethead voting for McCain because he thinks Obama's name is Obama Bin Laden or 19 year old Miss Pris voting for Obama because he's "Oh so cute!". Yes, it is our opportunity and privilege to live in a country that we are able to vote. Soldiers have died to preserve our right to vote, but didn't they also die for us to have the right NOT to vote. There have been countries where citizens are required to vote (of course, there is only one name on the ballot). So, in a way, some people are using the rights when they don't vote.
Now, lets look at the candidates:
John McCain touts himself as a maverick. Those of you who were of lucid age during the 70's will remember that a Maverick was a car made by Ford. It was the big brother of the Pinto. Need I say more?
Besides, isn't a Maverick someone who does not go along with the status quo but bucks the trends. Hasn't he been in congress like a thousand years without bucking the trends? Why start now?
I wonder about his choosing Sarah Palin (affectionately known as Caribou Barbie) as his running mate. Don't get me wrong, I was excited when he chose her and I've watched SNL for the first time in a decade. I think it would be really fun if she were president, but not being a pip to Gladys McCain.
Barack Obama-I worry about a guy who goes to a church for 20 years where the pastor spews hatred against America. Wouldn't he have been better off staying home on Sunday and watching NASCAR? At least he could've gotten Marvin Mullethead's vote! I hear on the news that Obama is widely popular amongst Junior and High School students. Well that should be reason enough to vote him in! They certainly have well developed political acumen, don't they? And his running mate Joe Biden. Well who really cares about the VP (unless it's Palin. At least she's cute). If you couldn't tell, I have become a bit cynical over time and I'm not sure who we elect to the highest office really matters a lot.
I would guess the majority of you have never heard of Weevils, they are a type of beetle. Well, I had one of my unusual dreams the other night where two Weevils were taunting me. "Vote for me", the larger one said. "No, vote for me", the smaller one replied. This went on for quite a while. Finally, I decided to make a decision and finally voted for the smaller one. I chose The lesser of two weevils (rim shot).
But I have to make a decision, so in case you're wondering, I'm going to vote for....
Jorack Mcbamacain!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Fathers and Daughters
I'm a quite simple man.
My desires in life have been pretty unassuming.
As early as my mid teens, one of my biggest goals in life was to be a good father and husband. This is one of those goals that can't immediately be determined if it has been accomplished, time has to prove it out.
There were many times when my daughters were growing up that I was afraid I was going to have to turn in my 'man-card'. When my friends would call me to come watch a game with them, I would have to decline because I was in the floor playing Barbies or going to see the Spice Girls Movie (yes they did make a movie, and yes I was one of a handful of grown men who saw it).
Now my girls are all young ladies and their dolls have been traded in for cars and college and jobs and even daughters of their own.
I heard the Paul Simon song listed in my playlist below and for the first time, I listened to the words. As you listen, pay attention to the chorus. When it says "There could never be a father who loved his daughter more than I love you", that is the only sentiment I can offer.
Only time and folklore will determine what kind of Father I have been, but in the end, if I'm judged a failure in that department, I can guarantee it wasn't for lack of effort and desire.
I've always said that in my eulogy, if they say, "this man was a hard worker and loved his God and his family", then I have been a success.
My desires in life have been pretty unassuming.
As early as my mid teens, one of my biggest goals in life was to be a good father and husband. This is one of those goals that can't immediately be determined if it has been accomplished, time has to prove it out.
There were many times when my daughters were growing up that I was afraid I was going to have to turn in my 'man-card'. When my friends would call me to come watch a game with them, I would have to decline because I was in the floor playing Barbies or going to see the Spice Girls Movie (yes they did make a movie, and yes I was one of a handful of grown men who saw it).
Now my girls are all young ladies and their dolls have been traded in for cars and college and jobs and even daughters of their own.
I heard the Paul Simon song listed in my playlist below and for the first time, I listened to the words. As you listen, pay attention to the chorus. When it says "There could never be a father who loved his daughter more than I love you", that is the only sentiment I can offer.
Only time and folklore will determine what kind of Father I have been, but in the end, if I'm judged a failure in that department, I can guarantee it wasn't for lack of effort and desire.
I've always said that in my eulogy, if they say, "this man was a hard worker and loved his God and his family", then I have been a success.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Wrongfully Judging Icebergs (part 2)
Looking back over the several posts of mine, I realize by now, I have probably offended almost everyone at least once. Whether it is because you drive a big pick up, or let your kids draw on restaurant tables, all of you have probably felt my rants were directed at you at one time or another. I can guarantee you they were never directed at any one person, but I understand how they could've been taken that way.
My arrogance never ceases to amaze me. I find myself thinking I have the ability to accurately judge others when I know very little about them (See previous post about icebergs).
This past Saturday, while in the Tulsa airport, I noticed a young father with a two year old. The two year old was on a leash which I have never liked. I feel like they are demeaning to a child to lead them around like a terrier. I watched with disgust and wondered about things I could say to him if we crossed paths. "Cute boy, what breed is he?", "Aaaah, what tricks can he do?" etc.
As I got close to the gate to enter the plane, I could see there was more to this man's story than I had known. Not only was he traveling alone with a two year old, he also had a baby in a carrier, a carseat for the boy, and a carry on bag to keep them entertained. He looked like a pack mule boarding the plane with all this in tow. Luckily for him, the other passengers were much more caring for a fellow human being than I was. The people around him stepped up and offered to help, grabbing whatever they could to ease his burden. I sat there ashamed of the way I had looked at him only minutes before. As we got off the plane, I carried some of his things in an effort to repent partially for my earlier idiocy.
If I were in his shoes, of course it would have made sense to tether the 2 year old. In case he ran off, there was no way I could've run after him. The father was wise. I was not.
Will I ever learn to just deal with the things I can control and that are part of my life?
My arrogance never ceases to amaze me. I find myself thinking I have the ability to accurately judge others when I know very little about them (See previous post about icebergs).
This past Saturday, while in the Tulsa airport, I noticed a young father with a two year old. The two year old was on a leash which I have never liked. I feel like they are demeaning to a child to lead them around like a terrier. I watched with disgust and wondered about things I could say to him if we crossed paths. "Cute boy, what breed is he?", "Aaaah, what tricks can he do?" etc.
As I got close to the gate to enter the plane, I could see there was more to this man's story than I had known. Not only was he traveling alone with a two year old, he also had a baby in a carrier, a carseat for the boy, and a carry on bag to keep them entertained. He looked like a pack mule boarding the plane with all this in tow. Luckily for him, the other passengers were much more caring for a fellow human being than I was. The people around him stepped up and offered to help, grabbing whatever they could to ease his burden. I sat there ashamed of the way I had looked at him only minutes before. As we got off the plane, I carried some of his things in an effort to repent partially for my earlier idiocy.
If I were in his shoes, of course it would have made sense to tether the 2 year old. In case he ran off, there was no way I could've run after him. The father was wise. I was not.
Will I ever learn to just deal with the things I can control and that are part of my life?
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